Woo Hoo!!

Cassi and I got back tonight at about 9:45 she was riding in the truck and the tractor with me today and we were petting Molly our black lab and all the sudden I had a big yellow dog squeeze up between me and Cassi. Trigger is back!!!... and officially grounded. There will be no more galavanting around the neighborhood. Either way I got his and Molly's new collars with the current address and phone number so at least if it happens again we will have comfort knowing that someone could get ahold of us. So that close call has been averted. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts of getting him back.

Also thanks to Jason Newman for spearheading the raffle in Elli's honor, and also all those who helped with selling the tickets and to all those who bought the tickets. It has all been overwhelming the support Cassi and I have recieved through this trying time.

My Country Song

TRIGGER IS MISSING

FYI he is wearing an apron from when I used to be a waitress

As of a about noon on Wednesday, our Trigger has been missing. I am royally pissed about this. He is such an awesome dog. He practically went into depression when we were in Kansas City for 3 weeks with Elli. When we finally got home, he followed us around like a "lost puppy" and seemed to realize that something was wrong and missing. He helped us through the last 6 weeks so much, and now he is gone. Brian is pretty sceptical and thinks someone may have picked him up on the highway. God I hope not. He is notorious for gallivanting around the neighborhood, but is always back in an hour or so. We have spent countless hours and gallons of gas driving around looking for him, calling his name, whistling, and honking the horn, but still no Trigger.

My mom is going to help me put flayers up around our small towns to see if anyone has seen him. We did see that another yellow lab went missing last week also, god forbid someone is picking up these dogs. Seriousley, we live out in the middle of nowhere, why should we ever have to lock up our dogs. My dad owns the entire section, and pretty much everything to the east and west of the section too, so it's not like he would be invading on someone else's property.

I feel like my life is a bad country song, I lost by dog, I lost my baby, the sun wont shine, I got no money, my house wont sell...you get the picture.

So now not only do I have to spend my days missing Elli, but now Trigger...jeez cant a girl get a break. Guess not... Well I officially start working in the ICU on Saturday, so I will let everyone know how it goes. I am so excited to be productive and get out of the house. Today is my first day off this week and I seem to be going crazy already. It has been a crappy week with the weather, and Trigger gone missing. Hopefully the sun will shine again and Trigger will come jogging up the drive way.

I am actually getting some pictures and junk hung on the walls, so that makes it feel a little more like home. Still haven't got our house in Missouri sold yet, a couple people have called on it but nothing solid yet. It would be so nice to get it sold before the winter, but who knows.

As if you don't all have enough to worry and pray about, if you want to add another person to your list, my best friend Darci's great Grandpa is in the hospital with a broken hip and he is not doing too well. I hope that he can pull through this and be out of the woods before Darci goes on her honeymoon the first week of November. All you St. Francis nurses reading this...take good care of him, as I know you all will. I miss you guys, and hope to come for a visit and a little "Girls Night" action again soon. Thanks for all the continued support, letters, texts, comments, and phone calls, you guys are my rock of support. Well I had better get back to the laundry. I know I am cool, and you are all jealous of my fabulous life of doing laundry and Swivel Sweeping my floors. By the way if you don't have a swivel sweep, get one they are the most amazing invention next to the Shark Steam Mop...yep officially a dork. Who thinks cleaning products are cool...probably no one but me....oh well.

Shoot...Miss TMI

It's about time...finally updating the blog and getting to desperately needed chores. This weekend I finally made the time to clean up our yard...we were looking pretty trashy with so much junk sitting outside our front door from moving. Stuff we didn't know what to do with we just left out in front of the house in this old "flower" bed. I quote the word flower because really it was a trash bed with two nasty bushes. I dug out the bushes and put in several items and plants that we received at Elli's visitation and funeral. Here's my handy work!

I love this little statue of a baby sleeping in Angel Wings. We received it in loving memory from our softball team that we played with in Maryville. We played co-ed softball for 3 years, so much fun, one thing we will defiantly miss living up in Iowa. Thanks Bridget, Stuart & Tiffany, Mooney, Laura, Becky P, Becky C, Jeremiah, Shelia, Julie C, Marge. & Jill.
We got this praying Angel from my parents, we picked it out because we thought it looked so innocent just like Elliott was.

This is jumping around a bit, but that is how the pictures uploaded. This is several decorations at Miss Elliott's grave. The pumpkin of course is from mommy and daddy. The sorghum on the pole is from Grandma Teri and Grandpa Aaron. You can't see it very well but there is a purple Angel Wind chime hanging from the Shepard's hook from Brian's cousins Craig, Andrea, Ryder and Cheyenne. The tiny white pumpkin ( used to be painted purple but washed off) is from Shana, a girl that goes to my sister's before and afterschool program. The rest of the decorations are from Elli's Aunt Staci. It was so incredibly bittersweet decorating Elli's grave for Halloween. It actually made me pissy the rest of the day. It seemed for lack of a better word, Dumb to decorate a grave when I SHOULD be decorating a room or picking out a Halloween costume for Elli. I think it would have been funny to have Elli be a monster for Halloween instead of something super girly or pink, while she would be cute as a butterfly or princess, I think a little monster would be even cuter, so in my mind she is the cutest scary monster ever!

Here is the front "Elli Bed" I love the bark, it was donated by my mom since I was too much of a cheap skate to buy it myself, but it looks AWESOME! Even Brian was proud of my handy work. All of the plants are mums. Two were from our friends Brian and Diana Schmitz and Eric and Beth Hornbuckle. The other was from a family friends Curt and Sharron Husz.

We also received these two markers from my parents and they were set up at Elli's Visitation. This one says:

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

And Memories A Lane

I'd Walk right Up to Heaven

And Bring You Home Again

Our Hearts Still Ache with Sadness

And secret tears still flow

What it meant to lose you

No one can ever know

The little rock with Elli's name and an Angel picture on it is also from our softball team, Thanks guys! Oh and yes, those pumpkins are real. I am a super dork and spray paint them clear so they don't rot as fast once it starts frosting in the mornings. Brian says they look kind of fake but I think it makes them look cleaner...who knows.

This little plague is what the Angel is looking down at. We received it from friends of mine that I worked with at St. Francis Hospital...Thank you so much Andrea, Melissa, and Ambrose...We love it and it is such a true quote.

And now for what the title means....I made three people cry today. Let me back up for a second. I have been doing more orientation at my new job and there are three of us doing it. The other two are girls about my age, one is going to be a CNA and the other a Unit Secretary. Anyways, we had to tell a little bit about ourselves, and when it was my turn, I didn't really mention the last 3 months other than I had just moved. The questions got progressively more personal and then the dreaded question...."Do you guys have any kids" (both of the other girls each have children but are not married, so they assumed me being married at least had one)

I knew this question was going to come up sooner or later at work, and I am sure that they were thinking that I was an idiot because I didn't answer right away, I mean it's not like it is a trick question or something that I would need to ponder but I just stared back at them for a moment. Then all the sudden I gave a fairly detailed explanation of the last 7 months of my life. Well...20 minutes later and 4 crying women, I had told Elli's story to 3 complete strangers. A simple yes but she is in heaven would have sufficed, but for some reason I felt compelled to tell them almost everything. We spent another 15 minutes talking about Elli and CDH (the nurse doing the orientation had never even heard of it and she has been a nurse for 20 years!...I hate that). I am sure that those girls are thinking OMG, TMI (oh my gosh, too much information)

Brian has been so busy with harvest, basically working constantly trying to get the crops out. So far we are done with beans and working on corn. He actually got home fairly early today because it rained today. It was nice to get to see him before I was crawling into bed. He looks so cute in the tractor, I will post a picture later. Oh my camera is dead, officially. I cannot get it to charge up, I don't know if it needs a new battery or what, but it hasn't worked since we were at Children's Mercy.

So much going on and time is flying by. I don't get to start actually taking care of patients until next weeks some time, so I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I know it has been a while since I updated, but just couldn't seem to make myself sit down and type so sorry this is so lenghty, guess I need to get some stuff out. Still checking up on all my CDH babies though, so far so good for all them. Also, I had a great lunch and afternoon with Liviana, her mom and brother and sister last week. She is so cute, you would never be able tell the she battled CDH. It was so nice to see a healthy baby survive this terrible thing.

~Hey Sweet Elli~ Can you believe that you have been away from mommy for 6 weeks. It feels like an eternity since I got to smell your sweet baby smell or feel you angel soft baby hairs, but I got to do both of these things the other day. Some of your amazing nurses sent us everything that we left behind in Kansas City. In the box was several items, a plaster replica of your foot and hand, the clothes they put on you for mommy to hold you after you were already gone, the blankets they wrapped you in, your binki, one of your little stuffed animals they used to position you, all the things that were hanging in your room, and even your blood pressure cuff. I know it sounds weird, but I sat on the living room floor and just smelled all of it. I can't believe how much the blood pressure cuff smelled like you. The other stuff didn't really, because you were not in the little onesie very long. I couldn't believe it Elli, but it was a preemie outfit. I guess Mommy never realized what a little girl you were. In the box was also a memory book with a lock of your hair in it. I wanted to stroke and kiss every hair under the piece of tape, but didn't want to ruin it. Elli, I am so mad. I don't want all that stuff, I want YOU, and I cannot figure out why you are not with me. Sorry that I don't visit your grave everyday, but that too makes me so sad and mad. It makes me furious to know that you are just a few feet below me, but I cannot touch you. The dirt there on the ground is so dirty, you are prefect and I hate that that pile of dirt is what is being displayed. There is still no headstone either. I feel so annoyed that I have to decorate a grave when I should be dressing, and decorating you. Your daddy and I have been racking our brains trying to figure out what we did wrong to dissever all of this, to have a beautiful baby suffer in pain with this disgusting defect. To have you ripped from our lives, to never know the sound of your little feet on our newly refinished hardwood floors. To have to live in constant wonder of what would have been. To have the eternal ache in our arm and hearts. To want so badly to have other children, but live in fear of losing yet another baby. To try to justify in our minds why this had to happen to us. To have to rely on your Sugarbear to cuddle with because you are not here. To know that this will happen to other families and babies, and know there is little we can do to help. To never hear you call out for your mommy and daddy. To always think of you when we are at a wedding and the father daughter dance comes on, knowing that daddy will never have that moment. And to Always miss you. I wonder if you miss me too, Elli. I wonder if when I get to heaven if you will still be a baby and I can raise you for eternity, be a part of all that was taken away from me, or if you will be all grown up. I wonder if you will recognize me, or if I will have changed too much for you to notice me. I think of you always, every day. Elli, I hate the rainy days, they make me remember the day you were taken from us, that drive home was 3 of the worst hours of my life. My body was drained, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like I am getting filled back up, but it is still so hard for me Elli. I don't know how I am supposed to rejoice in a Lord that would make you suffer for days and they take you for his own. I am still certain that I need you more than he does. I don't care that heaven would be boring without young people. Or that people say "oh she was too beautiful for earth". I beg to differ. You were too beautiful to be taken away, I wanted to show your beauty to everyone I ever came in contact with. It amazes me how pretty and tiny your little features were. I love to think about your perfect skin, nose, lips, and eyes. I can't believe that your daddy and I were able to make such a precious little girl, luckily you got most of your looks from mommy! Well sweetie, it's getting late. I am going to head to bed and most likely dream of you which is what I spend most of my nights doing. Daddy sends his love and kisses sweet Elliott. Breathe Easy~ Mommy

CDH News

Here is the Pumpkin that I made for our little Elli in honor of the Pumpkin Run/Walk this weekend. I put it up at her grave site. Not too bad for a Sharpie!

Hey all it has been a little while since I updated: Please keep Brad, Kellie and baby Carter in your thoughts and prayers as he is really battling since he was born a couple days ago. Also Ava who had a reherniation needs lots of prayers also as she is extubated but still very much fighting for her life. I hate CDH. In other news, I was at my sister's pre-school today visiting some of the kiddos and one of her preschoolers cousins was there to visit. She was 8 years old and a CDH survivor...What a small world. She had her repair surgery, a reherniation surgery and most recently a spine surgery for her scoliosis. Even her aunt whom she was staying with didn't even know what her birth defect was called. Man we really need to get the word out about CDH

There is a yearly memorial walk in Kansas City called The Pumpkin Run/Walk. Brian's cousin Jenny is going to be there to hand out CDH Awareness wristbands and information on CDH. I really wish that I could be there too, but I am in my best friend's wedding, and it is going to take me all day to get beautiful. We hope to raise even more awareness by everyone being able to visit Elli's blogsite and then visiting others from there. If anyone in the KC area is interested, stop by and show CDH support.

Hope all is well with everyone. Oh yah, I thought that it would be cool to know how much gas is around the country. So anyone that reads this post, add a comment on where you live and how much gas is in your area, because I think we might have about the cheapest. It was 2.69 in Treynor Iowa today...must be because of the election coming up. Yep I am officially a dork and I need to get back to work so I have something constructive to do with my time instead of wondering about gas prices in other parts of the country.

Just a Quickie

Hey all still no internet but I thought I would post a quick update from my blackberry, so it will be short and sweet. Things are still going well, I don't officially start in the ICU intil the 20th, but have to do computer training and all that jazz before I can start working. Still trying to get all unpacked and start decorarating, but of course I want so much new stuff so its getting expensive,I feel like I go shopping everyday. This is pretty dangerous considering we are inbetween jopbs and we finally both get paid on friday...thank goodness I had to blow on my credit card today at Target because it was smoking from overusage. Brian is really liking the farming business, he even got yesterday afternoon off so he could get our maikbox put up,so now we can get mail...yeah! This weekend is my best friends wedding that I am in. Drum roll please...the dress fits perfectly! She ordered my pre-pregnancy size,I think as a modivator for me to lose all my baby weight. Still don't have any shoes but hey,I will just go shopping again this week. Several people asked for our new address so here it is: 36498 Brothers Ave
Henderson, Ia 51541

On a side note I got Brian a new blackberry too and he is so funny, he is downloading old rap ringtones for all his friends...he is playing them for me while I type this post.
Please all keep Ava Helmeck and baby John in ypur thoughts and prayers. Ava had surgery in iowa and babyJohn is a new CDH baby - he is at www.carepages.com.if anyone wants to check out how he is doing, so far things are looking good.

Hey Sweetie-
It was raining here today, I can't believe how much it made me miss you. It hasn't rained here since the morning of your funeral (or at least I don't think so). The nights have been so long without you here to give me a reason to be awake at all hours of the morning. Daddy even woke up oin the night to find mommy crying, but I don't even remember it, I must have been dreaming. I mainly dream of what might have been. I am having such a tough time with all of this Elli. I don't know if I believe everything happens for a reason, there is not one reason for you to not be lying in my arms right now. I know there is no answer so I should stop searching for one, but I can't seem to get it out of my head that I need to find some justification on why this had to happen to you my little sweet. Daddy sends his love and kisses, we know that you hear us everyday, just wish we could have heard your little voice. Sometimes I wake up in the night and swear that I can hear you calling for me, I hold my breath to listen better, but all I hear is the roar of silence in the house. Elliott sweetie, I love to dream about you, you are perfect and healthy in my dreams. I look forward to watching you grow and thrive in my dreams for years to come. I think of what you would be doing if you were still here with me, you would be smiling and no doubtedly laughing at your daddy's silly face and crazy anticts. Well pretty girl I could talk to you for hours on end. Breathe easy baby girl. We will miss you forever...love mommy and daddy

An addict in need of a "Fix"

Wow, I feel like it has been forever since I updated/checked out all my other CDH babies. I realized that I am addicted to blogging. A lot has been going on since the last post so I will try to keep this update as organized and short as possible.

First off, we are in our new house. I didn't know if it was really going to happen since I procrastinated so much. When our families arrived, they just threw all of our junk into boxes and I got the pleasure to sort through them later, not really knowing what was in any of the boxes. There were so many little "projects" to finish up when we finally got moved up. Putting in the appliances, putting up shelves, building the dog pen, putting up our Direct TV, and on and on.

The pets are finally getting adjusted. Trigger took the move the hardest, he was moping around until yesterday, now I think he finally realizes that we are not going to leave him behind. Gabby acts like nothing is new, and neither does Molly, so that is a relief.

I have most everything unpacked. I did decide that since our house is not huge, but bigger than our old house I had no choice but to use Elli's pink and brown room. We put a daybed that I had from college in it, along with my scrapbooking supplies and table. It was so hard opening the door and seeing the crib that my parents had set up for us, but we just took it down and are going to store it for now. It still seems so weird that I walk by the door and there is no baby stuff in her room. I sat in her room for a while this morning and just cried, not knowing what to do. The house seems so empty without her there. On Sunday night, Brian and I finally got a chance to think, and that didn't go so well. It was so overwhelming, we let out a good cry and talked about Elli for about 2 hours before we finally fell to sleep from exhaustion.

About my interview, it was yesterday and it was so long, almost 3 hours. The interview went well I think, only cried once...yeah she asked me about my current employment status which led to a quick discussion about Elli. Anyways she said that she would let me know in a couple of days. Well not 20 minutes later she called back and offered me the job. I told her that I had to think about it and discuss it with my husband (so I didn't sound too eager). Either way I called back and accepted the job this morning. It is an ICU position and Jenny Edmunsen in Council Bluffs (30 minute drive from our house), and I start orientation on Monday. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am so worried that I am going to get "flash backs" of some sort because of the hours spent at CMH. I sometimes still wake up in the night to the sound of the monitors going off and it makes me sick.

Well tomorrow I have my last day at St. Francis, it is going to be so sad. I am going to miss all of my girls there, hopefully the nurses will be that awesome at my new job.

Sweet Elli~ It has been such a crazy past couple of days, and it has been making me miss you even more. Daddy started his new job, so he has been working long days as a farmer. You would have loved riding in the tractor with him, and it would have been the cutest thing to see. When I see him driving around, I just imagine you sitting in the little seat next to him yacking his ear off and him sharing all his snacks with you just like your grandpa did with me. We went and visited your grave, I thought it would be a place that I would love to go, but it made me so sad. I cant believe that your tiny body is lying just below my feet. I wanted get a shovel out of daddy's truck and just start digging. I would give anything in the world to hold you in my arms again. I guess you being so close but being unable to touch you about made me crazy. The new house is so quiet without your voice there to fill it up, and that makes mommy so sad. Every time I walk past your room door, I stop and look inside just to double check to make sure you aren't there. This is so much harder than I imagined. Daddy and I had thought that we had prepared ourselves if you didn't make it, but we were so wrong. There is a gigantic void in my heart that I know will never be filled. My body literally aches for you to be in my arms and it is confused on why you are not there. Darn that mommy instinct, I wish I could just shut it off for a while. It is like I am constantly searching for you, and you are not there. Oh yah, Elli you got a new baby cousin yesterday, Ella Elizabeth, she is so much bigger than you were. Mommy couldn't hold her, I knew I would have had a break down thinking of you and wishing it was you in my arms. I still cant believe that I only held you for those few hours. I know that my arms were made to hold you, you were the perfect size to fit into my arms. I just know that we were supposed to be together, and no we are not. Well sweet baby, I had better wrap it up for I am getting so sad and mad at the same time. I miss you more everyday. Daddy sends his love like always. Breathe Easy~ Love you Mommy

oops, forgot to tell the dogs

Okay, we must have forgot to tell the dogs that we were moving this weekend. Brian and I were taking down their pen this afternoon and they seemed very confused. We had their pen and houses loaded up and had to go to Brian's work and get a chain to pull the posts and Trigger must have thought we were leaving him behind because he chased us all the way to the corner of our land and finally stopped. Both he and Molly looked pretty relieved when we pulled back in the drive way a few minutes later.

Still on track to move this Saturday. I guess I am lacking motivation because I still haven't packed much. Okay I have not packed anything since before Elli was born. Shoot, I wish I was still nesting, I got so much done during that crazy week. I keep thinking that I will start any time, but it still hasn't happened. I guess that I will just wait for my family to come down and they can help me toss everything in boxes Saturday morning.

I went shopping with one of my close friends on Wednesday. Got a few house things, some new sheets for our beds, pillows for the new couch, and my bathroom stuff, well at least the shower curtain and some new towels to match. No luck yet on curtains. I "have" to get all new curtains and rods for every room. Went a few places, but didn't really see any that I had to have. Any suggestions for somewhere to get curtains and not have to take a 2nd on our house?

Still getting the "how you guys doing" question. I guess I am still breathing, standing, and fixing my hair, so I guess I am doing fine. But honestly how can I ever really be "fine" without Elli in my arms. Still struggling with this concept. My body (and my mind) keeps trying to tell me that I should be taking care of an almost 6 week old baby, but our house is silent with no baby in sight. I am having one regret, I wish that we would have contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep NLMDTS, it is a non-profit photography service for bereaved parents. At the time, we didn't want to remember Elli after she passed away, we wanted to remember her with her eyes sparkling at the sight of her mommy and daddy. Now I really wish we would have had more pictures of her without all the tubes and wires. I was looking on the Internet last night at their work and it is not scary or gross (I thought at the time that it would be), they do it so tastefully in black and white and it is beautiful. I think that I just miss her and wish that I had more pictures to look at. I have a digital picture frame in my kitchen and I have stared at it for so many hours, I know what picture will be next.

Elli My Sweet~ We are moving sweetie, and you are going to be the easiest thing to pack, your memory travels with us everywhere we go. I know that you will be with us in our new house, bringing your warmth and spirit to it. I just wish you could physically be there with us, to feel the soft new carpet that we picked out just so you and daddy could play on the living room floor. Or to see the toy box that grandpa built so we could pick up all your toys when company came over, now we will just be putting blankets in it. I want to show you the room we painted for you, brown and pink, mommy's favorite colors right now. I want to show you everything sweet baby, but I know that you have already seen it all from heaven. It is going to be so hard to move into that new house without you, the only thing is that we will be closer to where you were laid to rest so I can stop and talk to you more, although I don't have to go there to talk to you, I do that everyday, everywhere. I am still so confused on why all this happened to you Elli. I wish that I had an answer, but know that I never will. So just give God a heads up, when I get there, it is going to be the 2nd thing I do, ask him simply..Why? What is the first you ask...why hold you in my arms and cover you in kisses, so he will probably have a good week or two before he gets my million dollar question, because it will take that long for me to put you down. Just remember Elli...Love leaves a Memory No One can Steal...I love you and miss you more every day. Daddy is so strong Elli, he is helping me so much, but he misses you so much too. We talk about you every day and thinking of all that you would have been makes us sad but also puts a smile on our face to think of you healthy, and perfect..free from pain and hurt. All the love in our aching hearts~ Mommy and Daddy

PS. we wont get the Internet for a while, so I will post new house pics as soon as we get the Internet back!...oh and sorry this was so darn long...oops