Holding Elli

Elli finally where she belonged, in her mommy's arms. She was a perfect fit in my arms and I could have held her for days on end.

There are no words to describe how much love I felt holding Elli for the first time. It is such a simple pleasure that most people take for granted, but it will be one of our best memories that Brian and I will have for the rest of our lives.

It was amazing the sense of calm that came over Elli as she was placed in her Daddy's arms. This is one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen. The most strong and loving husband holding our precious daughter.

Elli was able to feel the warmth and security of her parents arms for about 4 hours before she was able to join the Lord and feel his warmth and security for eternity.

We know that Elli's death came to a shock to many, and I guess that is partially mine and Brian's fault. We could see that on Friday night that Elli was not doing well at all and continued to decline Saturday and Sunday. Over those three days Elli's oxygen saturations were averaging in the mid to upper 60's to low 70's and they were unable to get them back up. She was showing severe right sided heart failure, her pulmonary hypertension was worsening, and because of the amount of time that her oxygen saturations had been so low, the doctors were fearing she had sustained severe oxygen deprivations to her brain. Also, Elli had been so uncomfortable and grimacing that they were increasing her Morphine and Versed drips, giving her Fentanyl every 2 hours and started giving her phenobarbital (high powered drug to help keep her sedated) and even with all of this she would still wake up cringing and had her toes curled under and her fists balled up. I know that we don't have to justify anything to anyone, but we just want everyone to understand some of what we were facing.

Around midnight the nurses finally laid my baby girl in my arms for the very first time. I held Elli for almost 2 hours and she was so calm and content. Her body was relaxed for the first time in almost 2 days and she looked so peaceful. It was truly amazing to see the comfort she received by just being placed in our arms. Brian then held Elli and she became even more relaxed and you could just see it in her face that she was so happy. We were able to spend those last 4 hours with Elli comforting and holding her like we had wanted to for her 19 previous days of life. We are so fortunate to have had those last precious hours with our baby girl. A little after 4 am the nurses removed her breathing tube, and she was able to pass away peacefully in my arms, with her daddy whispering in her ear, that she was free to go, to join the lord, and that she would be forever pain free. That it was okay to stop fighting and that we would miss her. She opened her eyes before she passed away, to look at us as if to say "goodbye".

I am not strong enough now to explain the feelings leading up to these moments, or the emotions during and after, but can say that we were right there with Elli every step of the way. We are both so lucky that we were able to spend the time with Elli that we did. The past 20 days have taught us alot about ourselves, restored faith in the lord and humanity, and will shape the rest of our lives.