Thursday, September 25, 2008
Okay, we must have forgot to tell the dogs that we were moving this weekend. Brian and I were taking down their pen this afternoon and they seemed very confused. We had their pen and houses loaded up and had to go to Brian's work and get a chain to pull the posts and Trigger must have thought we were leaving him behind because he chased us all the way to the corner of our land and finally stopped. Both he and Molly looked pretty relieved when we pulled back in the drive way a few minutes later.
Still on track to move this Saturday. I guess I am lacking motivation because I still haven't packed much. Okay I have not packed anything since before Elli was born. Shoot, I wish I was still nesting, I got so much done during that crazy week. I keep thinking that I will start any time, but it still hasn't happened. I guess that I will just wait for my family to come down and they can help me toss everything in boxes Saturday morning.
I went shopping with one of my close friends on Wednesday. Got a few house things, some new sheets for our beds, pillows for the new couch, and my bathroom stuff, well at least the shower curtain and some new towels to match. No luck yet on curtains. I "have" to get all new curtains and rods for every room. Went a few places, but didn't really see any that I had to have. Any suggestions for somewhere to get curtains and not have to take a 2nd on our house?
Still getting the "how you guys doing" question. I guess I am still breathing, standing, and fixing my hair, so I guess I am doing fine. But honestly how can I ever really be "fine" without Elli in my arms. Still struggling with this concept. My body (and my mind) keeps trying to tell me that I should be taking care of an almost 6 week old baby, but our house is silent with no baby in sight. I am having one regret, I wish that we would have contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep NLMDTS, it is a non-profit photography service for bereaved parents. At the time, we didn't want to remember Elli after she passed away, we wanted to remember her with her eyes sparkling at the sight of her mommy and daddy. Now I really wish we would have had more pictures of her without all the tubes and wires. I was looking on the Internet last night at their work and it is not scary or gross (I thought at the time that it would be), they do it so tastefully in black and white and it is beautiful. I think that I just miss her and wish that I had more pictures to look at. I have a digital picture frame in my kitchen and I have stared at it for so many hours, I know what picture will be next.
Elli My Sweet~ We are moving sweetie, and you are going to be the easiest thing to pack, your memory travels with us everywhere we go. I know that you will be with us in our new house, bringing your warmth and spirit to it. I just wish you could physically be there with us, to feel the soft new carpet that we picked out just so you and daddy could play on the living room floor. Or to see the toy box that grandpa built so we could pick up all your toys when company came over, now we will just be putting blankets in it. I want to show you the room we painted for you, brown and pink, mommy's favorite colors right now. I want to show you everything sweet baby, but I know that you have already seen it all from heaven. It is going to be so hard to move into that new house without you, the only thing is that we will be closer to where you were laid to rest so I can stop and talk to you more, although I don't have to go there to talk to you, I do that everyday, everywhere. I am still so confused on why all this happened to you Elli. I wish that I had an answer, but know that I never will. So just give God a heads up, when I get there, it is going to be the 2nd thing I do, ask him simply..Why? What is the first you ask...why hold you in my arms and cover you in kisses, so he will probably have a good week or two before he gets my million dollar question, because it will take that long for me to put you down. Just remember Elli...Love leaves a Memory No One can Steal...I love you and miss you more every day. Daddy is so strong Elli, he is helping me so much, but he misses you so much too. We talk about you every day and thinking of all that you would have been makes us sad but also puts a smile on our face to think of you healthy, and perfect..free from pain and hurt. All the love in our aching hearts~ Mommy and Daddy
PS. we wont get the Internet for a while, so I will post new house pics as soon as we get the Internet back!...oh and sorry this was so darn long...oops
Monday, September 22, 2008
This weekend was pretty jammed packed for me at least. Went to KC to Darci's bachelorette shower, it was very fun, went out for pedicures and supper at the GrandFaloon and then just went back to a hotel suite where all us girls just sat around and gabbed. Before we met up with Darci, her step-mom and sister took me to The Primitive Peddler...the store is amazing, so much cute stuff and basically I wanted it all. It is a home decor store and everything is antique looking. I knew that I would not be able to get what I wanted considering I wasn't driving and the stuff I liked was pretty big. Good thing that the rehearsal dinner for her wedding is in the same town ( I already warned Brian that I am going to do a little new house shopping when we go). There was a room sign that I loved, and it basically summed my life up right now....
When Life gets too hard to Stand...Kneel
That is so how I feel! I have been praying more in the last 6 months than I have in my whole life (up until the age of 18 I basically NEVER missed church...so that was a lot of praying too!). At first when we were diagnosed I was mad, mad at the ultrasound tech in Maryville for essentially missing it, mad at the doctors for giving us such a good prognosis and then taking it away at every ultrasound there after (Elli started out with a 90% survival rate based on organ involvement and lung to head ratio and by the next ultrasound was below 50%, and finally we stopped asking about survival and lung head ratio because it just made me more mad) mad at myself for being so cautious (I had no showers, purchased next to nothing, and did not decorate a nursery) and at times mad at God. Why would God do this not only to us, but to an innocent unborn baby. They deserve no pain, it isn't her fault that this happened, and yet she will have to endure so much just in order to survive. Why would God ever do this to a baby? I guess this is the million dollar question.However our pastor made an interesting point, it is so easy to blame God for the bad in our lives, but hard to credit him with the good. The fact is that God made man, man made choices, and the choices are reflected in every day life. If CDH is caused by some sort of chemical or something along those lines (a researcher on sheep thought that it might be a chemical used on farms...long time ago, not widely accepted) either way man made those chemicals. God gives us life, it is what we choose to do with that life that is up to us. It is not God's fault, it is no one's fault and every one's at the same time. It is called life and humans. I guess if I am going to stick God with Elli's passing, I will also have to praise him for giving us the doctors and nurses who know so much to have kept Elli alive for those precious, unforgettable, amazing 20 days. He gave life to the person that invented ECMO, to the surgeon's hands, to Dr. K's awesome brain and insight. Of course when Elli was taken from me to meet her maker, I was blaming God, not praising him, but now that I have time to look pack (and calm down) I can see that there were good things that he needed to be credited for. Holy cow how did I get way off on this tangent...sorry.
Anywho, the bachelorette party went well, and on Sunday we traveled to Lamoni Iowa to watch my nephew Aaron play football, he had a sack and a fumble recovery, and his team won! I am not sure what position he plays but I know it was on defense. It was so cute so see all those little boys running around. He plays on the 5th and 6th grade team, and they even have cheerleaders ( my school was small and there was no little league football and def. no cheerleaders that young). Afterwards we all went back to Brian's sisters house for her husbands birthday. I got the pleasure of reading about 20 books to my nephews (Kyle and Kevin they are twins who are 3). It was good to be around them, but it made me miss Elli even more. It was so cute Kevin came up to me and was patting my belly (we had told him that there was a baby in there and he had felt Elli kick a couple weeks before she was born). He didn't really say anything, but just kept patting it as if to say...where did that baby go that was in there, because honestly I sometimes do the same thing too.
I got a call from the breast milk bank in Ohio, I think that Children's Mercy is finally going to get that milk out of their freezers. I was told that I could donate my milk, but I just figured that most large cities had milk banks. Not the case, the closest is in Iowa, but I guess they don't accept out of state milk. Either way, I did a phone interview of my pregnancy and lactation habits...I passed so now they are sending me more paperwork and I will have to submit a blood test and then they will be able to take all Elli's milk and give it to sick babies. I am glad to know that it will get used, man I worked hard to get all that, I would hate to see it all thrown away.
I go to the doctor this afternoon to get released to go back to work. I know it has only been 5 weeks, but since we are moving at the end of the week, I wanted my follow-up appointment to be with Dr. F in Maryville since he has known my whole pregnancy history.
Last night was excruciating, my heart literally ached with sadness. I miss you so much. Reading to your cousins made me long to hold and touch you even more. I could imagine you sitting there on my lap between those two ornery boy just watching their every move. It has seemed harder lately, knowing that things will be going back to "normal" Mommy will be going back to work soon, and daddy starting a new job. It is going to be so hard moving to OUR new house. You were supposed to be moving with us. It is going to be so hard going into your room and not seeing your beautiful smile. I had to leave the door shut when I was there last week, it was just too hard to see. Looking at your pictures helps, but those darn frames are so pointy when I try to hold them in my arms. Daddy misses you too, we love to talk about you and what might have been. I insist you would have been a girlie-girl always in dresses, but he says that he would have taken you hunting and you would love cammo. We could compromise...a cammo dress. I picture you in every stage of your life and it breaks my heart. Last night lying in bed missing you, daddy asked what I needed. I told him that I needed my angel to come back to me. I know that is impossible Elli, but know that I dream of the day that I will be able to come back to you, back to where we all ultimately rest...until then, say hi to Parker and Will I know that you three will be the best of friends. We miss you dearly sweet Elli, breathe easy!- Mommy