When Life Gets Too Hard To Stand...Kneel

This weekend was pretty jammed packed for me at least. Went to KC to Darci's bachelorette shower, it was very fun, went out for pedicures and supper at the GrandFaloon and then just went back to a hotel suite where all us girls just sat around and gabbed. Before we met up with Darci, her step-mom and sister took me to The Primitive Peddler...the store is amazing, so much cute stuff and basically I wanted it all. It is a home decor store and everything is antique looking. I knew that I would not be able to get what I wanted considering I wasn't driving and the stuff I liked was pretty big. Good thing that the rehearsal dinner for her wedding is in the same town ( I already warned Brian that I am going to do a little new house shopping when we go). There was a room sign that I loved, and it basically summed my life up right now....

When Life gets too hard to Stand...Kneel

That is so how I feel! I have been praying more in the last 6 months than I have in my whole life (up until the age of 18 I basically NEVER missed church...so that was a lot of praying too!). At first when we were diagnosed I was mad, mad at the ultrasound tech in Maryville for essentially missing it, mad at the doctors for giving us such a good prognosis and then taking it away at every ultrasound there after (Elli started out with a 90% survival rate based on organ involvement and lung to head ratio and by the next ultrasound was below 50%, and finally we stopped asking about survival and lung head ratio because it just made me more mad) mad at myself for being so cautious (I had no showers, purchased next to nothing, and did not decorate a nursery) and at times mad at God. Why would God do this not only to us, but to an innocent unborn baby. They deserve no pain, it isn't her fault that this happened, and yet she will have to endure so much just in order to survive. Why would God ever do this to a baby? I guess this is the million dollar question.However our pastor made an interesting point, it is so easy to blame God for the bad in our lives, but hard to credit him with the good. The fact is that God made man, man made choices, and the choices are reflected in every day life. If CDH is caused by some sort of chemical or something along those lines (a researcher on sheep thought that it might be a chemical used on farms...long time ago, not widely accepted) either way man made those chemicals. God gives us life, it is what we choose to do with that life that is up to us. It is not God's fault, it is no one's fault and every one's at the same time. It is called life and humans. I guess if I am going to stick God with Elli's passing, I will also have to praise him for giving us the doctors and nurses who know so much to have kept Elli alive for those precious, unforgettable, amazing 20 days. He gave life to the person that invented ECMO, to the surgeon's hands, to Dr. K's awesome brain and insight. Of course when Elli was taken from me to meet her maker, I was blaming God, not praising him, but now that I have time to look pack (and calm down) I can see that there were good things that he needed to be credited for. Holy cow how did I get way off on this tangent...sorry.

Anywho, the bachelorette party went well, and on Sunday we traveled to Lamoni Iowa to watch my nephew Aaron play football, he had a sack and a fumble recovery, and his team won! I am not sure what position he plays but I know it was on defense. It was so cute so see all those little boys running around. He plays on the 5th and 6th grade team, and they even have cheerleaders ( my school was small and there was no little league football and def. no cheerleaders that young). Afterwards we all went back to Brian's sisters house for her husbands birthday. I got the pleasure of reading about 20 books to my nephews (Kyle and Kevin they are twins who are 3). It was good to be around them, but it made me miss Elli even more. It was so cute Kevin came up to me and was patting my belly (we had told him that there was a baby in there and he had felt Elli kick a couple weeks before she was born). He didn't really say anything, but just kept patting it as if to say...where did that baby go that was in there, because honestly I sometimes do the same thing too.

I got a call from the breast milk bank in Ohio, I think that Children's Mercy is finally going to get that milk out of their freezers. I was told that I could donate my milk, but I just figured that most large cities had milk banks. Not the case, the closest is in Iowa, but I guess they don't accept out of state milk. Either way, I did a phone interview of my pregnancy and lactation habits...I passed so now they are sending me more paperwork and I will have to submit a blood test and then they will be able to take all Elli's milk and give it to sick babies. I am glad to know that it will get used, man I worked hard to get all that, I would hate to see it all thrown away.

I go to the doctor this afternoon to get released to go back to work. I know it has only been 5 weeks, but since we are moving at the end of the week, I wanted my follow-up appointment to be with Dr. F in Maryville since he has known my whole pregnancy history.

Sweet Elli-

Last night was excruciating, my heart literally ached with sadness. I miss you so much. Reading to your cousins made me long to hold and touch you even more. I could imagine you sitting there on my lap between those two ornery boy just watching their every move. It has seemed harder lately, knowing that things will be going back to "normal" Mommy will be going back to work soon, and daddy starting a new job. It is going to be so hard moving to OUR new house. You were supposed to be moving with us. It is going to be so hard going into your room and not seeing your beautiful smile. I had to leave the door shut when I was there last week, it was just too hard to see. Looking at your pictures helps, but those darn frames are so pointy when I try to hold them in my arms. Daddy misses you too, we love to talk about you and what might have been. I insist you would have been a girlie-girl always in dresses, but he says that he would have taken you hunting and you would love cammo. We could compromise...a cammo dress. I picture you in every stage of your life and it breaks my heart. Last night lying in bed missing you, daddy asked what I needed. I told him that I needed my angel to come back to me. I know that is impossible Elli, but know that I dream of the day that I will be able to come back to you, back to where we all ultimately rest...until then, say hi to Parker and Will I know that you three will be the best of friends. We miss you dearly sweet Elli, breathe easy!- Mommy