This week has been pretty good, still having good and bad hours. I think that all the funeral business is taken care of aka the bills. Today we ordered Elli's headstone. It's nice, but not exactly what we wanted. Where Elli was buried doesn't allow any headstones that are above ground level, so basically we had to just do a marker. We ended up picking one that is a larger size than the normal "grasser" size so it might take up to 90 days for the granite to be cut. Hopefully it will come in before the winter "freeze", since they cannot install headstones from the end of December through the beginning of March. As for now Brian and I are putting up a temporary marker, hopefully no robbers get it (apparently people steal from cemeteries).
I think that I got all the Thank-Yous sent out, usually whenever someone gives me anything (even supper at their house) I send a Thank-you the next day. I am kind of a Thank-You nazi, anyways, not getting thank yous out until almost a week later was driving me crazy. I signed all the cards with ALL our names. Also I have been posting on many other CDH blogs and have been signing them Angel Elli's Mommy - Cassi. I don't want anyone to forget that I am a mom (including myself). I will always be Elli's mom, but to others I don't look like a mom, and part of the time I don't think of myself as one either. (no scolding, I am working on it!). Also, just to continue to babble, I have noticed that I am now on the "Angel" list on many other CDH blogs. When I was researching CDH I noticed these lists on many of the blogs. There are usually two categories...CDH Survivors and CDH Angels. I would have never imagined that our baby would be on the Angel list and the first time I saw it I started bawling. I am slightly getting used to it, but still get that feeling in my stomach when I see it (that feeling that you get in your stomach when you pass a cop while speeding, just knowing that he is going to flip his lights on and whip the cruiser around and slap you with a fat ticket....you all know what I am talking about). Bottom line, I am Angel Elli's Mom.
In other news, went out for the first time in quite a while with my girlfriends from the hospital and ended up running into many other friends including some sorority sisters. It was so nice to be out of the house, but as soon as I got home I started to feel guilty. What kind of mom goes out this soon after the passing of her beautiful baby? I am sure I was just missing Elli, and those 4 beers didn't help at all ( first beers since December 7th...and yes I remember the date..NWMUS Semifinal game) and I got really upset. I know that I have to continue to have a life and my friends were just trying to help get my mind off everything, but it is too soon to "get my mind off" Elli. I love talking about her, basically to anyone who will listen. I was even telling this lady who called me for an interview today about Elli, poor lady doesn't even know me and I was telling her about Elli passing away. Oh yah, I applied for a job at Jenny Edmunsen in Council Bluffs on a whim on Wednesday and they called me back yesterday and go for an interview on the 30th. Not a NICU position but it is an ICU position. Apparently Jenny Edmunsen is building a NICU in the next year or so, and as for Children's in Omaha, I didnt really see any openings.
Well this post is pretty random, and way too long. Just a house update, got the counter top in, and all furniture arrived right on time. Move in date is next Saturday. Brian is out with friends from out of town (boys night out) so it's just SugarBear and I tonight watching What Not To Wear...yep I am officially lame. Oh well, going to KC tomorrow night for my best friend Darci's bachelorette party (no stripper men..or so I am told), so that should be fun.
27 comments:
Oh Elli's Mom,
My heart goes out to you--if only you knew how motherly your post just read. Elli is so blessed to have you. We continue to pray for you and Brian--may God give you understanding. God bless both of you.
Liz
Mom to Par (LCDH 11/1/07)
Liz is right. You are a mother in every sense of the word.
I have you beat on "lame" since I watched Dora tonight...I actually think What Not To Wear would make me cool.
I'm e-mailing you soon. Thinking of you and hope you can and do enjoy the party tomorrow.
Amy
Cassie,
I think that is wonderful that you are going out and trying to live. Elli would be so proud of you. You will not be judged for not wanting to sit around your house all day and be sad. I'm sure there are lots of us that think that is just part of you healing and making you stronger. Besides that, after what you have endured, I wouldn't worry about what others think. After all, it does happen to be YOUR friends (the ones that are supporting you) that are taking you out. Keep it up.
Have fun in KC tomorrow. Are you going anywhere fun? The power and light district is a lot of fun.
Take care and know that your family is still on my mind and I pray for you everyday.
Finally. I can write you.
Cassi love,
I am so sorry for your loss. I've been reading your blog since the beginning and it broke my heart to hear the news. You are one of the most compassionate and loving mothers I honestly think that I've known. I think growing up that I always knew you'd be a great mom because of how you kept care of those darn cows and kittys. :)
At any rate- i've had a card sitting on my desk to send to you and Brian- but, i don't have an address and the stinkin' internet wont give it to me... so, when you can- please email me your address.
I'd love to talk to you sometime and just hear how you're doing- I'd love to listen to you talk about your baby girl!! :)
Please know that I am praying for you and I have been praying for you.
I love you dearly!!
-Tara
ps.
pope.tara@hotmail.com
:)
Cassi and Brian,
I know it's easier for me to say than for you to do, but hang in there. There are so many people thinking of you and praying for you. I don't even know where you find the strength and I admire you for it. You are a wonderful mommy and Elli will always remember that.
-Kellie
Mom to Carter (expected 10/6/08)
Cassie,
My husband and I admire your strength. Thank you for posting your support on our blog. My husband and I were devastated over Elli. We both cried. I had an NST appt the day I found about Elli and I couldn't stop crying while I was there. We pray for you and Brian and know that you are in our thoughts.
Liz Nelson
Oh Cassi~you are a sweet compassionate Mommy to Angel Elli. No one is going to judge you for going out with your friends and enjoying yourself. You need to do what feels right for you and not worry about anyone else. I understand how you may have felt guilty, but you really shouldn't. You're not neglecting anyone and you need to live. Your Angel Elli would want you to do that. I wish I were closer to you, I'd love to hear all about Miss Elli, I still check your blog several times a day and go back and look at the pictures, she is such a beautiful baby. And yes, you are a Mommy, Angel Elli's Mom and she's so proud of you just as you are proud of her. I have a little something just for you, but I think I'll wait until you get moved up here to good ol' Iowa before I send it or bring it to you. Oh, Dan's wife asked me to tell you to apply at the Nebr Med Center, they have a pretty nice and new NICU. Their little boy was in there for 2 days. I was really impressed when he was there. Tucker had ITP last year and spent 3 days at Children's, the staff there is amazing. Sorry I got off track a little there. Just know that you are doing good, I love to read your updates so I know how you are doing. Your thank you note was so nice, you are an amazing woman... I'm pretty sure your Angel Elli is proud of you and would want you to ....
LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH
Continuing to pray for strength, love, peace and understanding for you and Brian. You are so strong, stronger than you know.
Thanks for updating your blog, I've been missing your updates.
May you be blessed with Angel Kisses everyday from your precious little Angel Elli.
Love you,
MaryBeth
I understand your concern about people forgetting...I think about that every day. Even forgetting ourselves, not so much that we are mothers to these beautiful angels, but forgetting little things about them. That is one thing that my mind goes over and over...trying to remember everything about Ava.
I hope that our blog wasn't one that made you cry. I did change it to Angel Elli, but it really was out of respect, I am sorry that you had to see her name under so many angel lists. I understand exactly your feelings and I am sorry that you had to be reminded of that when you were visiting other blogs.
On another note: I have a card and something I would like to send you. I was going to send it to the funeral home and then remembered that you guys were or did move and didn't want to risk you not getting it. Is there an address you would like me to send it to (I know that you don't know me, and that is kind of a creepy thing to ask, but even if it is a PO Box or something. I really want you to have it). You can e-mail me at nateandamy1@yahoo.com
My offer still stands as well, you can e-mail me anytime about anything...especially Elli whenever you want to talk about her. My ears/eyes are opened!!!
Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers. Have fun tomorrow night. Don't worry about other's thoughts (easier said then done, I know). So many people are praying for strength for you and Brian and continuing your life is just a part of it. I would imagine that Elli would so rather see you happy then sad.
Amy
Cassi,
I'm glad to hear you are doing well, as well as can be expected. By the way, as soon as I found out you were pregnant, you were then considered a mommy. Even though Elli is an angel you are still a mommy in every way possible. You are Elli's mommy, loving, kind, strong, and amazing. I think it is good that you got out with your friends. I am sure Elli would want you out sharing your wonderful self with all your family and friends. I am sure you feel guilty, but try not to(easier said than done)! I know I have not known you for a long time, but with reading you blog every hour :) I can tell a lot about you. Colin and I know Brian, and here's a funny story to hopefully put a smile on your face, when Colin and I were dating and I met Brian, he was introduced as Reed. I thought for about 2 years his name was Reed. Then, when we got you wedding invite and it said Brian, I was like, "who is Brian?" and Colin tells me, Reed. I didn't believe him! Anyways, to make a long story short, I am watching Clifford right now at 7 a.m. on Saturday, while typing a corny story, but I love it! I am right there with you on the lame! Trust me, mom's are full of "lame" times :) must be why we are so special! Okay, I will stop talking now. Thinking of you and Reed :) always!
Love,
Brandi Ricci
When I read your posts, I truly feel like I could have written them...the feelings and the guilt is completely normal...I go through it too. I have a slightly different dilemna than you when it comes to "being a mom"...I have a 6year old daughter already, so after we lost Ethan, when the dreaded "so is she your only one? or how many kids do you have?" question would come up, I would dread it. The first time it happened was two weeks after Ethan passed. We were on a mini family getaway, and my daughter and I were at the pool in the hotel. I was in the hot tub and this mother of two started chatting with me. She said "is she your only one?" At first I said "yes", and she said "oh having two is so much fun"...then I said "well, I do have two, buy my son passed away two weeks ago...he was 7 weeks old"
I felt so guilty that I didn't say it the first time she asked...like I had somehow betrayed my boy, like he didn't exist. I just didn't want this woman to feel sorry for me...but after she went on about how great it is to have two kids, I couldn't let it go.
So, I am the proud mother of two beautiful babies...but one is an angel. That's what I tell people now...and you ARE the mother of a beaautiful little girl...you bore her and SHE WAS HERE...a beautiful full term baby...
I think it's normal that we feel guilty about going out after our babies pass...like we are somehow terrible people. I feel exactly the same way...in fact I just went out with a friend last night for her birthday to dinner and a movie. All I kept thiking was, I should be at home nursing my three month old baby...and snuggling with him. It hurts so bad sometimes that I wake up having anxiety attacks...I still think to myself "did this all REALLY happen to us?" It seems so unreal still.
Anyway, hang in there...there is no textbook on grieving...everyone grieves differently...and it sounds like you are honouring your beautiful girl everyday.
Sincerely,
Stacey
Mom to Brianna
and my Angel Ethan William James
(June 14 - August 1, 2008)
Cassi,
I have been thinking about you all week. I am glad to hear you are getting out, that just shows how strong you are. I am glad to hear that you applied at Jenny, my mom and sister still work there. My sister works in the ER and my mom does training now, I think...(she just changed jobs and moved from the from her unit after 25 years) I will let her know that you applied, maybe she will be the one to do your training.
Best of luck with the move, I know how much fun moving is (three houses, five years) but I have become an expert unpacker, so if you need help, please don't hesitate to call.
I am keeping you, Brian and Angel Elli in my thoughts.
Rachael
Cassi,
I am so happy to hear that you love talking about Elli. I am exactly the same way about Will. At first I felt guilty because people would get upset. I did not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. That all changed the day after Will's Memorial.
During labor I actually cracked my tooth. I knew that I needed to go to the dentist but we were traveling from Philadelphia back to Atlanta, planning Will's Memorial and we had tons of people in town and hundreds of Thank you notes to send (I am not a Thank You Natzi but I know others are and I do not want to offend). I am always looking for an excuse to put off the dentist and now I had a whole list of excuses.
Well my little cracked tooth held on until the day after Will's Memorial. That Wednesday morning I popped a grape in my mouth and out popped half of my tooth (no joke). I looked at my hand and actually started laughing. This was the first day since we had returned from Philadelphia that I did not have a list of things to do so of course I should spend this day at the dentist. I even started to laugh because it seemed inappropriate to cry over a tooth when I had just buried my son.
I called the dentist office and they told me to come to the office right away. I was so happy they could fit me in. Then I told the receptionist that I had cracked my tooth during labor. She congratulated me and I said thank you. I went on to explain that I my son had passed away and I did not want to talk to the dentist about my labor or my dear son. I knew he would ask because I have been going there for years and I had used my pregnancy as an excuse to delay some dental work. She told me how sorry she was and promised to tell the dentist.
When I got to the dentist office everyone was REALLY nice. They said I looked great. They loved my handbag. They complimented my shirt (an old maternity shit from Target). It was obvious there was a pink elephant in the room. They were all trying to share their condolences without mentioning Will.
Then when the dentist was examining me he ask how in the world did I crack my tooth, how did a get such a clean break. He said it looked like I had hit it with a hammer. I immediately began to sweat and told him that it fell out while I was eating a grape. He sat down in the chair next to me and started laughing and said, seriously - what happened.
I ask him if he had spoken with his receptionist and he gave me a blank stare. So I finally broke down and told him about Will's passing. I was so proud of myself. My voice did not crack. My eyes did not well up with tears. The next thing I know - The dentist is crying. He actually had to leave the room.
Once he composed himself he returned to the room and we had a very long conversation about CDH. He was extremely interested to know exactly what it is and how it is treated. We spoke for about 20 minutes and then he apologized for "making" me talk about "it".
This was the day that I realized that I would not be sheltering others from feeling uncomfortable anymore. Now I am open and honest. When people ask if I have children, I promptly answer yes - I have one son and he recently passed away. Nothing in my life has brought me more joy than my son and not only do I love talking about him to anyone who will listen but I am most proud to be his mother. Will is my best life accomplishment.
On the practical side, the more people that we share our angels' stories the more people who will learn about CDH. Perhaps one day this will not be the unknown birth defect. I believe that the more people who know CDH exists - the more likely we are to find a cause.
Thank you so much for continuing to share.
Mommy to Angel Will
Cassi,
I'm glad you were able to go out with the girls (I had heard at the hospital you were going out with them). You should never feel guilty for enjoying any moment you can. We all know that life is too fragile, precious and fleeting to pass up the special moments. Whether it is a heartfelt hug, an evening out with good friends, a quiet moment with someone you love,a funny joke or movie,a rainbow, beautiful sunset (I am not a morning person I don't think sunrises are that beautiful personally),you should just enjoy it. There will be plenty of things left to not enjoy, so why feel guilty?
As for being a mother, you are a great mother and Brian is a wonderful dad. Your children are not your children for the rest of their lives, they are your children for the rest of your lives(and into your eternal lives). You never stop thinking of them and you never ever stop loving them. Elli will always be with you, and you with her (watch for them, she will leave you signs).
Please know how much all three of you are loved. You remain in our hearts and prayers.
Nancy
OMG, the song you have playing on your blog is a major tear-jerker. I've never heard it before.
You are a mom!! You've have done EVERYTHING there is (& more) to earn that title, and it'll stick forever!!! In fact, I think right now you could apply and win the mother of the year award! You have gone above & beyond!!
I also wanted to tell you how much fun I had w/ you and the other girls on Wed. I think we need to have more girls nights out. I feel bad that you were feeling guilty and missing Elli. You don't ever need to feel guilty or justify any of your actions. Elli would be proud of her hot mama hanging out w/ the girls!! :)
Nicole
Cassi, My heart goes aout with you also. Everytime I read a post of your my eyes full of tears as I can't imagine your pain and loss. I am so sorry you have to read you blog at the angels list and I wish i could do more for you than just post here.
Even though we haven't met, Elli touched my heart as I have a CDH son in my life.
Please feel free to email me anytime, maybe I can send you an invite so you can visit our blog as well.
maferarceamare@gmail.com
Cassi,
Although I haven't replied lately I check in often. I still think of you, Elli and Brian daily. I took Kyle back to CMH this last week and now they are sending us to St. Louis to a cardiac transplant doctor to decide what to do. Please keep writing and talking about Elli and how you are and Brian are doing. You are in my prayers.
Marilyn
Elli's mom,
my heart breaks to read your posts, your love for her shines thru and i know the feeling your talking about, i remember seeing the "angel" cdh group and even now i see it and my stomach gets queasy.you continue to deal however you need to, dont worry about anyone else, they cant understand what you have gone thru, if going out a lil helps, then go on, spread the word about your beautiful daughter to anyone who will listen, allow her to live on! your a wonderful mommy and i know she is proud of you. many many hugs!
zachs mom
Dotty
Cassi,
Your post really touched me tonight because I have so often, two year later, struggled with the whole "mom" thing. To the average person I don't look like a mom because I don't have a little one in tote, a diaper bag or toys lying around the house but to those who know me best I AM a mom. It used to be so hard when people asked if I had any children. I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to scare them off or have to explain Parker's story over and over again to random people. I learned with time and healing that no matter what I am a mother and I always will be. And so are you. I love talking about Parker now and I can do it without crying (not always) and the biggest smile you ever saw. The pain, it doesn't go away, but it does get less intense.
I wish somehow that I could make this all right for you. And for Heather. I pray that one day we find a cause and a cure. I'm still a newbie when it comes to this whole grief thing and when I least expect it it'll sneak up on me and it sucks but know that one day you will see the light again. You'll never be the person you were before Elli but that's okay too.
Never be afraid to talk about Elli to others and if they act weird or scared just say a little prayer for them. People who've never walked in our shoes will never the pain or the craziness and joys of being a Mommy to an Angel. It's a life only we understand. And sometimes even we don't understand it.
We buried Parker the day before my 1st Mother's Day. It sucked big time but now I wake up on Mother's Day and beside my bed is a card and gift from my sweet little girl Parker. I know it's her Daddy's doing but it still makes me smile. Our life is one we didn't pick but it's ours now and we have to own it the best way we know how.
If ever you need to talk I'm here for you. I know this comment was completely random and all over the place. Thank you for continuing to share your feelings and Elli so openly with us. She will forever be a part of all our lives.
I admire moms like you and Heather. I find strength in both of you and I cannot even begin to tell you how your children have changed my life. Remember if you need me I'm here.
I don't have time to proofread this because it's 1 a.m. and I have church in the morning. :)
Our love to you and Brian.
B and Cassi,
Do not feel bad about having some entertainment after all you have been through. Elli would want you to go out and enjoy yourself. It doesn't mean you aren't still hurting... just trying to live.
The two of you have been absolutely phenomenal parents and I am consistently impressed at how much love you showed little Elliott. She has to know how loved she is.
We love all of you so much and are so proud of you and your strength!
-Justin & Jenny
Cassi,
I have keeping up with your story since my Great Niece, Kinley, was born in May. Your journey with Elli has touched my heart so deeply, and I had to tell you how amazing you are! The raw emotion that you and Brian have so freely shared with us through your blog has made each of us feel your joy, your anxiety, your pain, your tears and your true love for Elli and each other. There is no doubt that you are mother in all aspects of the word. Elli is fortunate to be able to look down from heaven with so much pride and shout "That's MY Mom!" And as time goes on and your family grows, the role Elli will play as your 1st born will never change.
God bless you and Brian as your life moves you to a new community. Don't worry whether or not people will know if you are a Mom or not - there is no doubt that the love & pride you express from your heart will be proof enough!
I have something that I would like to share with you. If you are comfortable sending me your new address, I would be honored to send it to you. My e-mail is kmelb@aol.com
With much admiration -
Karen Dear, Elk River, Minnesota
Cassi, I came to your blog by way of a few that I have on my "buddy" list. Please remember from the moment you found out you were pregnant, you were and will always be a mommy. Angel Elli is now resting peacefully with the angels watching over you and Brian.
Oh and the lame thing... I'm pretty sure I have you beat I think I watched 8 or so episodes of Diego on Friday night!
Dear Cassi and Brian;
I learned about Elli's story after clicking your link in my cousin's blog (Jackson Adam). I hadn't been to his site for a while and felt the urge this morning to take a look. In hindsite, I believe it was really to find you. My heart aches for you and Brian as it still aches for my own child, Britton Elise. Yesterday, marked the 4 year anniversary of her death from injuries resulting from a full term placental abruption. Your words are so familiar yet uniquely yours. We too felt blessed to have Britton with us for 6 days in the UofI NICU. Yet even in the midst of thankfulness, lonliness and sadness "storm" on. After Britton died, one of our counselors gently reminded us to "mind our marriage". I pray that as you and Brian grieve "differently" you will both know that you are sad for the same reason, your little Elli. I pray that truthful words will come your way and unexplained happenings will tell you that Elli "knows".
I spent quite a bit of time chatting on The Compassionate Friends site after Britton. It helped me get through some really tough times. Here's the link in case you haven't heard of them www.compassionatefriends.org
Wishing Butterfly Blessings for you Both.
Charisma and Bob Tandy
Moline, IL
P.S. I tried to post earlier this morning. I was unable to find it. so sent a 2nd. I apologize if this is a duplicate message.
Cassi,
Dad and I read your blog this morning, first there were tears of sadness, we miss Elli so much, then there were tears for you and Brian, the heartache you both are feeling, then there were tears of tremendous pride. Dad and I are so proud to be the parents of such a wonderful mother. Ithink in an early post I told you that Dad said you were such a great mom the way you had such a confident touch with Elli,(when we were down in KC right after Elli was born). We have watched you endure more in 20 days than most moms endure in their whole life time. You are truly amazing and you are meant to be a mom. I had a call today from our neighbor Blane, (your old bus driver from gradeschool). The first thing he said to me was "can I call you grandma"? I said with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye, "you sure can". then i explained to him that Elli was with the Angels, he felt terrible, but i assured him that i was still a grandma. Just like you will always be a mom, Dad and I will always be Gma and Gpa. Our Elli will always have a special place in our heart. We are so thankful for Brian, being by your side and being the loving husband and father. You both make us proud to be your family. Hope you had a good time with Darci, can't wait to see you this weekend. Love you 3
mom
Oh Cass!! You will ALWAYS be a mom and I say a hot one at that!! You have done more in those 20 days than many moms do in a lifetime!!! Elli is blessed to have you as her momma!!! I do want you to know that I had a great time with you the other night and I think that Elli would be proud of you for getting out that night!! I want you to know that I love listening to you talk about her-I still wish I could have squeezed her little cheeks!!! Did you get some awesome curtains picked out on Thursday? We need to try and do lunch this week-call me!!! All my love and prayers to you-Salena
what a Great Mum YOU are - Elli must be so proud of you!!
I admire you're strength from afar and reading you're blog shows exactly how motherly you are.
Keep your chin up & take care
Gil XX
Mom and Dad Reed:
No matter where a child is, she still has parents. Your baby girl is in heavan now, but you are still her mommy and daddy. That will always be who you are, and no one can take that away from you. She was yours even before you conceived, she was yours in your womb, she was yours while here on earth, and she's yours in heavan. God chose you as her parents, and he chose her to be his special angel.
It breaks my heart to know that she had to leave you so soon.
I hope that you can find strength and peace. This is what your family and friends are for. They will help you get through this, and enjoy your time with them, don't feel guilty for enjoying yourself. You deserve to have some fun. Your little girl was with you the whole time, proud that her mom is so strong.
If you want to talk about Elli, I'm curious as to how you chose such a beautiful name for her. If you don't mind sharing that information on your blog.
God bless you.
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