Now What...

First and foremost, Brian and I must thank everyone for their amazing support during the last week. Knowing that so many people have continued to follow us on our journey and have never stopped praying for us has brought us to tears on numerous occasions. The outpouring of support at Elli's visitation and funeral touched our hearts so deeply. Seeing our friends and family has helped both Brian and I. So many people said "I just don't know what to say" during the last several days, but in all reality, Brian and I know that there are no words, but the heartfelt hugs have made all the difference. We are still in awe of the amount of people that have followed Elli's blog. We have received cards and letters from "bloggers" that we have never even met. It just blows my mid that our sweet Elli could touch so many people, enough for them to take the time to send their sympathies to her parents. We knew from the beginning that Elli would be a special gift, but we had no idea the impact this single baby girl would have on not only her family and friends, but an entire community and beyond.

For those who were not able to attend the visitation or funeral, just know that it was beautiful. We feel that it was such a fitting tribute to our little Angel. The morning that Elli passed away, the sky opened up and it was raining. We felt that it was so fitting that God mourn the passing of Elli as we were also in mourning. It continued to rain the entire week off and on and even continued during the visitation. On our way to Iowa Saturday morning, the rain had slowed, but it was still misting. As we were about to the cemetery, the sun finally appeared between two dark clouds and was shining down on the cemetery. We felt like this was a sign not only from God but Elli. We had been so confused and sad wondering through the week. It was like they both knew that this was a way of showing us that Elli was finally going to be laid to rest and that she was happy being right at home with the Lord.

As for the burning question, Now What? Brian is going to go back to work this week for the Township and I am going to finish packing up the house. We are not planning on moving until the weekend of October 1st. As far as moving goes, Brian already has his job lined up, he is going to be a Farmer with my dad, so harvest will help keep him busy. And for me...I don't know quite yet. My plan was to stay home with Elli so I hadn't even looked for a job. I guess luckily as a RN I will be in high demand, so finding a job shouldn't be that hard considering that Council Bluffs and Omaha have numerous hospitals and they are only about 30-40 minutes away from where we are moving. I am contemplating finding a job somewhere as a NICU RN. I want to feel like Elli's journey and passing were supposed to teach both Brian and I something. I don't know if our experience would be able to help others going through and facing difficult decisions. In one aspect I know it will be so incredibly hard to be around so many sick babies, bringing back so many memories of our stay with Elli at CMH. On the other hand, I feel like I have seen just about the worst things that can happen and so want to be around other babies. As for now I am still going back and forth on it, and might just go back to regular nursing and ease back into it. It just seems so odd. I know that I gave birth to Elli not even a month ago, and yet I am sitting home alone. The house feels so empty (Brian is out hunting). I had imagined months ago when I was just lying around waiting for Elli to come, that I needed to enjoy these last lazy Sunday afternoons, because once Elli was here they would be few and far between and I would be wanting to do "nothing" again. Now the quietness of the house is so disheartening and I feel like I need to fill the lazy Sunday afternoon with something to do. Maybe this is all coming to a head because this is basically the first time that I am alone. We have had family and friends around us constantly for the last week, or at least we were with each other. I knew that things would be going back to "normal" after the funeral but it is still so hard. I am glad Brian is out hunting with his dad and our nephew to get his mind off this whole thing for a while. I guess I am going to have to find a couple hobbies considering I am still on "maternity leave". Okay this is getting long and I could ramble forever, I guess I will clean the house (those of you who know me personally understand my OCD) considering I have neglected it a little the past few days.

Again thank you for all who have sent your thoughts, prayers, and attended the visitation and funeral. It all meant so much to us.

We will all continue to miss you Elli, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. You will NEVER be forgotten. Your mom and dad love you more than anything. We still get to see your beautiful smile in our dreams. Our hearts are still heavy with sadness, but we know that you are much happier in heaven than you were here on earth. We love you Elli- Mom and Dad