Elliott Arcile Reed

Elliott Arcile Reed
6 lbs 8 oz 19 3/4 inches

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

An addict in need of a "Fix"

Wow, I feel like it has been forever since I updated/checked out all my other CDH babies. I realized that I am addicted to blogging. A lot has been going on since the last post so I will try to keep this update as organized and short as possible.
First off, we are in our new house. I didn't know if it was really going to happen since I procrastinated so much. When our families arrived, they just threw all of our junk into boxes and I got the pleasure to sort through them later, not really knowing what was in any of the boxes. There were so many little "projects" to finish up when we finally got moved up. Putting in the appliances, putting up shelves, building the dog pen, putting up our Direct TV, and on and on.
The pets are finally getting adjusted. Trigger took the move the hardest, he was moping around until yesterday, now I think he finally realizes that we are not going to leave him behind. Gabby acts like nothing is new, and neither does Molly, so that is a relief.
I have most everything unpacked. I did decide that since our house is not huge, but bigger than our old house I had no choice but to use Elli's pink and brown room. We put a daybed that I had from college in it, along with my scrapbooking supplies and table. It was so hard opening the door and seeing the crib that my parents had set up for us, but we just took it down and are going to store it for now. It still seems so weird that I walk by the door and there is no baby stuff in her room. I sat in her room for a while this morning and just cried, not knowing what to do. The house seems so empty without her there. On Sunday night, Brian and I finally got a chance to think, and that didn't go so well. It was so overwhelming, we let out a good cry and talked about Elli for about 2 hours before we finally fell to sleep from exhaustion.
About my interview, it was yesterday and it was so long, almost 3 hours. The interview went well I think, only cried once...yeah she asked me about my current employment status which led to a quick discussion about Elli. Anyways she said that she would let me know in a couple of days. Well not 20 minutes later she called back and offered me the job. I told her that I had to think about it and discuss it with my husband (so I didn't sound too eager). Either way I called back and accepted the job this morning. It is an ICU position and Jenny Edmunsen in Council Bluffs (30 minute drive from our house), and I start orientation on Monday. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am so worried that I am going to get "flash backs" of some sort because of the hours spent at CMH. I sometimes still wake up in the night to the sound of the monitors going off and it makes me sick.
Well tomorrow I have my last day at St. Francis, it is going to be so sad. I am going to miss all of my girls there, hopefully the nurses will be that awesome at my new job.
Sweet Elli~ It has been such a crazy past couple of days, and it has been making me miss you even more. Daddy started his new job, so he has been working long days as a farmer. You would have loved riding in the tractor with him, and it would have been the cutest thing to see. When I see him driving around, I just imagine you sitting in the little seat next to him yacking his ear off and him sharing all his snacks with you just like your grandpa did with me. We went and visited your grave, I thought it would be a place that I would love to go, but it made me so sad. I cant believe that your tiny body is lying just below my feet. I wanted get a shovel out of daddy's truck and just start digging. I would give anything in the world to hold you in my arms again. I guess you being so close but being unable to touch you about made me crazy. The new house is so quiet without your voice there to fill it up, and that makes mommy so sad. Every time I walk past your room door, I stop and look inside just to double check to make sure you aren't there. This is so much harder than I imagined. Daddy and I had thought that we had prepared ourselves if you didn't make it, but we were so wrong. There is a gigantic void in my heart that I know will never be filled. My body literally aches for you to be in my arms and it is confused on why you are not there. Darn that mommy instinct, I wish I could just shut it off for a while. It is like I am constantly searching for you, and you are not there. Oh yah, Elli you got a new baby cousin yesterday, Ella Elizabeth, she is so much bigger than you were. Mommy couldn't hold her, I knew I would have had a break down thinking of you and wishing it was you in my arms. I still cant believe that I only held you for those few hours. I know that my arms were made to hold you, you were the perfect size to fit into my arms. I just know that we were supposed to be together, and no we are not. Well sweet baby, I had better wrap it up for I am getting so sad and mad at the same time. I miss you more everyday. Daddy sends his love like always. Breathe Easy~ Love you Mommy

19 comments:

Rachel Dominguez said...

So glad you are moved and settling in. I can not imagine how it feels to walk by Elli's room when she's not there. Just know that she is forever in your heart.

It also must be hard to have a new niece so close to Elli's age. I wouldn't have been able to hold her either. That is ok for you to wait.

I love your letters to Elli...she must feel the love from you and her daddy. I know I can feel it just reading your loving words.

Rachel

Fer said...

I'm glad the moving went well and that you got a new job, congratulations!

And I also love your letters to Elli, everytime I read one I end up crying. You are such a good momma.

Liz and Shane said...

I am glad your move went well. Congrats on your new job! Your letters to Elli always make me and Shane cry. We think of Elli daily.

I emailed you my address twice I don't know what happened.I will give you my email and I hope that works. It's
elizabethnelson89@yahoo.com

Liz

Mary T said...

Hi Cassi,
I've missed your updates, I have to confess, I'm addicted to Angel Elli's blog! Even though I knew you said you wouldn't have a computer for awhile, I still checked the site several times a day.
Good to hear you are all moved in and pretty much settled. Poor Trigger, can't imagine how confused he was. Congratulations on your new job, you're gone to be great in Jennie's ICU.
My heart goes out to you for your broken heart. You are such a great Mommy and I just know Angel Elli knows how much you love and miss her, and she must love getting your beautiful letters.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, praying for strength for you and Brian.

May you be blessed with Angel Kisses everyday from your precious little Angel Elli.
^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^

You will ALWAYS be
Angel (^j^) Elli's Mom,
a wonderful giving Mom.

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH

Love you all,
MaryBeth

cbgricci said...

Congratulations on the new job! You will do great. We are so glad to hear you are moved and that the dog's are adjusting. Your letters to Elli are precious. She is so loved by you two. Thank you for the update.

Take Care,
Colin, Brandi & Grace Ricci

*super dude and super dog* said...

Cassi and Brian,
My heart just breaks for you both. I'm glad to hear the move and the interview went well.
Cassi--I emailed you, so check for it :)

mommy to Kaden, Brody and angel Ava said...

I have the same addiction...Nate actually commented on it tonight : ). First of all, I am glad your move went well and that you guys are settled (as well as the dogs).

Congratulations on the new job. You will make an awesome ICU nurse (I just know it). You have an understanding and experience that most other nurses do not and parents will be very grateful for that. I know that I would feel very comfortable with a nurse who completely understands. I know you will do great...although you are right, it might be tough at times, but remember Elli and God will carry you through it.

Reading your letter to Elli could have been me writing to Ava. Nobody could ever prepare themselves for the worse, no matter how much you think you have...I know. It is a feeling that nobody will ever know or understand unless they have gone through it themselves. You are an amazing person and Elli can still feel your love and strength. When you are weak, she will be there to lift you up.

Thinking and praying for you guys, always.

Nancy L said...

Brian and Cassi,
I'm glad the move went well and I'm glad Cassi got the job. A 3 hour interview!I bet you were exhausted Cassi. But, I know you'll do great. How is Brian liking the farming?
I can't imagine how hard it must be to live in your new home without Elli.I know you both tried to prepare for the worst, but there is a huge difference between the what you think you will feel and how strongly you actually do feel. It's just like becoming a parent. You think you know how much you will love that child and the actual love you do feel is so much greater than you imagined. So the loss is also so much greater. I know I have tried to imagine that loss, and it hurts so badly that I can not begin to fathom how great your pain must be.I think of all three of you so many times throughout the day and pray for you every night(just as I have prayed for Brian every night since before he was born). I love you all so much and wish there was more we could do to ease your grief.
I am so glad you are continuing the blog and will be watching for news.Hang in there and I hope you find some comfort from your beautiful memories of Elli and all the love that surrounds you.
Nancy

My Three Sons said...

Cassi,
Well it is 1:30AM and I'm up looking through my blog list so if that isn't an addict, I'm not sure who is.

First off, Congrads on your new job. That is so wonderful. You will be terrific. Your journey up to this point is going to be a huge asset to critical patients and thier families.

I'm glad your move was safe. I hope that you can look at Elli's room as a great place to go for her wonderful memories. Don't be sad....be happy for her. She is breathing so easy and she is watching over you. I know first hand how hard it is to not hold your little one anymore. I wish I could have held my daughter longer and saw her eyes, heard her cry or giggle. I never got that chance.
I think about her everyday but 4 years later, I can think of her and smile, not cry. It will get easier one day at a time.

Take care and I'll be looking forward to hearing about your first day at work.

- said...

Well, congrats on your new job, Cassi. I'm sure you will do a fantastic job.

I'm sure that it is undesirably difficult to go into Elli's room and see her crib. Take all of the time that you and B need to cry. You have been so adamant and so incredible through this whole time. We are constantly impressed with your strength.

I'm glad your move went fairly well and hopefully you will be getting settled in fairly soon (I know it took me a bit to get settled into our house).

Thinking of you and praying for you daily.

Love you,
Justin and Jenny

Tracy Meats said...

Your letters to Elli, have me crying when I read them. You and Brian are such wonderful parents. Been thinking of you today and just wanted to let you know that we are keeping you both in our prayers during this difficult time. I wish you the best of luck with your new ICU job--you are going to be a terrific help to so many people.

Many prayers,
Tracy Meats - mom to Ian (born with LCDH 4/3/04)

kmm0305 said...

Count me in with the tears this morning, I just wish these babies didn't have to be angels.

Glad to hear that everything is moved and things are getting settled. I'm sure your husband is busy, busy, busy right now--in northern IA my dad said they are only able to run one combine with beans right now, its too wet (they usually have two going). We have a cornfield behind our house that I'm sure we'll see get harvested soon.

Congrats on the new job, I hope it is a perfect fit for you.

Thinking of you!

Kristyn

proudmom said...

Cassi and Brian

Congratulations on your new job. Your experiences will help your patients.

I found the following and I thought of Elli when I read it..

An angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby’s birth, then whispered as she closed the book…”too beautiful for earth”. —author unknown


God Bless all the little angels.
Kim

Jenni Halley said...

Hello to Baby Elli's Mommy (and Daddy),
Thank you for the post on my blog. I have been sitting at the computer crying and typing another entry. Then I clicked over to see how you are getting along and thought you might feel comfort in my theme for tonight's blog entry...so here goes...I hope it brings you comfort.

What a blessing you two are to your precious child, loving her so much that you put her needs before yours. And what an equally amazing blessing she has been, for she reminded you what true love is, love that is given unselfishly. From reading your blog, I can tell that you knew what was best for baby Elli. No other baby can every take her place. But, if your future includes more babies, those children will be abundantly blessed by a wonderful love, nurtured by the one and only Elli. She has given you something so great, to know what it means to love your child. And you can be proud of being such great parents to her, even in the short time you were together. I can't begin to relate to the loss of a child, yet I do hope and pray that you might find peace in the love you share.

Best wishes on your new job.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I just got your message on my daughter to be blog sydneyscdhjourney. I am so sorry to hear about Elli. She is beautiful! I would love if you linked our blog to yours.Thank you for taking the time to read our story. You and your family are in my prayers.
Kathy
Mom to be to Sydney

Mary T said...

Hi Cassi,
Just wanted to stop by and let you know we are thinking about you and wishing you a great first day at your new job. I know you'll do great, you're such a sweet person, I know the patients and their family are going to love you.

May you be blessed with Angel Kisses everyday from your precious little Angel Elli.
^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^


LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH

Love you all,
MaryBeth

Heather said...

Moving is always hard work. I am happy to hear that you are settling in so well. I know exactly how you feel about Elli's room. Thank you for sharing your letters. Your love for Elli is beautiful!

Since you are addicted I thought I would let you know of a new CDH baby. His name is John Michael Larson. He was born on Saturday. He is stable.

His mom and dad are Megan and Nik Larson and they have relocated to Denver from Anchorage Alaska. I know they could use your prayers too.

You are always in our thoughts and Prayers.

Mary T said...

Hi Cassi~I'm so glad you like and Brian like your bracelet. How was your first day at your new job? Hope it wasn't too bad. My friend's Mom is ICU at Jennie right now with double pneumonia, she's very ill. How long is your training before you are actually working in ICU?
Just wanted to let you know I thought about you all day, hoping you were having a good day. I'm sure your sweet Angel Elli was looking down on you from above, watching over you...My thoughts and prayers continue for you both forever and always.

May you be blessed with Angel Kisses everyday from your precious little Angel Elli.
^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^ ^j^


LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH

Love you all,
MaryBeth

shay said...

hey cassie and brian whats going on i am having a down day i miss baby elli more then usuall today(i always do!!!!)
how was your day i always stop and see elli when ever i can i left her a pupkin that i painted but when it rained it probly washed it off lol but thats ok i can repaint it if thats ok thanks love shana banana