We got this praying Angel from my parents, we picked it out because we thought it looked so innocent just like Elliott was.
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
And Memories A Lane
I'd Walk right Up to Heaven
And Bring You Home AgainOur Hearts Still Ache with Sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know
The little rock with Elli's name and an Angel picture on it is also from our softball team, Thanks guys! Oh and yes, those pumpkins are real. I am a super dork and spray paint them clear so they don't rot as fast once it starts frosting in the mornings. Brian says they look kind of fake but I think it makes them look cleaner...who knows.
And now for what the title means....I made three people cry today. Let me back up for a second. I have been doing more orientation at my new job and there are three of us doing it. The other two are girls about my age, one is going to be a CNA and the other a Unit Secretary. Anyways, we had to tell a little bit about ourselves, and when it was my turn, I didn't really mention the last 3 months other than I had just moved. The questions got progressively more personal and then the dreaded question...."Do you guys have any kids" (both of the other girls each have children but are not married, so they assumed me being married at least had one)
I knew this question was going to come up sooner or later at work, and I am sure that they were thinking that I was an idiot because I didn't answer right away, I mean it's not like it is a trick question or something that I would need to ponder but I just stared back at them for a moment. Then all the sudden I gave a fairly detailed explanation of the last 7 months of my life. Well...20 minutes later and 4 crying women, I had told Elli's story to 3 complete strangers. A simple yes but she is in heaven would have sufficed, but for some reason I felt compelled to tell them almost everything. We spent another 15 minutes talking about Elli and CDH (the nurse doing the orientation had never even heard of it and she has been a nurse for 20 years!...I hate that). I am sure that those girls are thinking OMG, TMI (oh my gosh, too much information)
Brian has been so busy with harvest, basically working constantly trying to get the crops out. So far we are done with beans and working on corn. He actually got home fairly early today because it rained today. It was nice to get to see him before I was crawling into bed. He looks so cute in the tractor, I will post a picture later. Oh my camera is dead, officially. I cannot get it to charge up, I don't know if it needs a new battery or what, but it hasn't worked since we were at Children's Mercy.
So much going on and time is flying by. I don't get to start actually taking care of patients until next weeks some time, so I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I know it has been a while since I updated, but just couldn't seem to make myself sit down and type so sorry this is so lenghty, guess I need to get some stuff out. Still checking up on all my CDH babies though, so far so good for all them. Also, I had a great lunch and afternoon with Liviana, her mom and brother and sister last week. She is so cute, you would never be able tell the she battled CDH. It was so nice to see a healthy baby survive this terrible thing.
~Hey Sweet Elli~ Can you believe that you have been away from mommy for 6 weeks. It feels like an eternity since I got to smell your sweet baby smell or feel you angel soft baby hairs, but I got to do both of these things the other day. Some of your amazing nurses sent us everything that we left behind in Kansas City. In the box was several items, a plaster replica of your foot and hand, the clothes they put on you for mommy to hold you after you were already gone, the blankets they wrapped you in, your binki, one of your little stuffed animals they used to position you, all the things that were hanging in your room, and even your blood pressure cuff. I know it sounds weird, but I sat on the living room floor and just smelled all of it. I can't believe how much the blood pressure cuff smelled like you. The other stuff didn't really, because you were not in the little onesie very long. I couldn't believe it Elli, but it was a preemie outfit. I guess Mommy never realized what a little girl you were. In the box was also a memory book with a lock of your hair in it. I wanted to stroke and kiss every hair under the piece of tape, but didn't want to ruin it. Elli, I am so mad. I don't want all that stuff, I want YOU, and I cannot figure out why you are not with me. Sorry that I don't visit your grave everyday, but that too makes me so sad and mad. It makes me furious to know that you are just a few feet below me, but I cannot touch you. The dirt there on the ground is so dirty, you are prefect and I hate that that pile of dirt is what is being displayed. There is still no headstone either. I feel so annoyed that I have to decorate a grave when I should be dressing, and decorating you. Your daddy and I have been racking our brains trying to figure out what we did wrong to dissever all of this, to have a beautiful baby suffer in pain with this disgusting defect. To have you ripped from our lives, to never know the sound of your little feet on our newly refinished hardwood floors. To have to live in constant wonder of what would have been. To have the eternal ache in our arm and hearts. To want so badly to have other children, but live in fear of losing yet another baby. To try to justify in our minds why this had to happen to us. To have to rely on your Sugarbear to cuddle with because you are not here. To know that this will happen to other families and babies, and know there is little we can do to help. To never hear you call out for your mommy and daddy. To always think of you when we are at a wedding and the father daughter dance comes on, knowing that daddy will never have that moment. And to Always miss you. I wonder if you miss me too, Elli. I wonder if when I get to heaven if you will still be a baby and I can raise you for eternity, be a part of all that was taken away from me, or if you will be all grown up. I wonder if you will recognize me, or if I will have changed too much for you to notice me. I think of you always, every day. Elli, I hate the rainy days, they make me remember the day you were taken from us, that drive home was 3 of the worst hours of my life. My body was drained, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like I am getting filled back up, but it is still so hard for me Elli. I don't know how I am supposed to rejoice in a Lord that would make you suffer for days and they take you for his own. I am still certain that I need you more than he does. I don't care that heaven would be boring without young people. Or that people say "oh she was too beautiful for earth". I beg to differ. You were too beautiful to be taken away, I wanted to show your beauty to everyone I ever came in contact with. It amazes me how pretty and tiny your little features were. I love to think about your perfect skin, nose, lips, and eyes. I can't believe that your daddy and I were able to make such a precious little girl, luckily you got most of your looks from mommy! Well sweetie, it's getting late. I am going to head to bed and most likely dream of you which is what I spend most of my nights doing. Daddy sends his love and kisses sweet Elliott. Breathe Easy~ Mommy